Hi all, this post was typed and saved as a draft in my blog for months.
I was overwhelmed and never got down to posting this.
Shortly after Ashton was born, I woke up from GA wanting to see my newborn.
Our paediatrician came in and told us he saw a "slight dent" on Ashton's lower back, and brought Andy to the nursery to have a look because I was too drowsy from the GA. You know that sick gut feeling you have when you hear "...But" from your doctor? Yeah, I felt it and till today, the fright is very real.
"He's fine.... BUT...", "He's beautiful.... BUT...."
After that, when the nurse pushed Ashton to me for breastfeeding, I unwrapped my newborn and saw a little dimple the size of a green-bean just above his butt-crack with my very own eyes. Our PD recommended us to get an ultrasound scan done, just "to be on the safe side", though he did mention that he "didn't think it was anything to worry about".
Somewhere when Ashton was few weeks old and when I was still doing my confinement, we brought him back to Mt Alvernia for his ultrasound.
I stood in the sonography room holding my infant, and chatted with the sonographer because like what our PD said, I thought there wasn't anything to worry about. At that point, I felt it was just another routine scan like my many Antenatal scans, just to be sure.
She scanned and scanned over and over, and my squirming, crying infant wasn't helping matters.
Afterward when I thought she was finally done, I asked her "So how is it?" and she told me to wait while she got the doctor in. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest!
A doctor came in and repeated the scan, and eventually he told me he thought there was something wrong with my baby's spine and that he will wait for my PD to explain to me. I wouldn't buy any of it and nearly went hysterical. Actually I refused to budge from the room and asked the doctor what exactly he thought was wrong. He said something about surgery was probably recommended to rectify it. Can you imagine how I felt!
My world just turned cold and dark as I stood there, holding my wailing baby in the dimly lit room, I felt like bawling my eyes out as well.
So finally, I met our PD, Dr Simon Ng, with the scan reports, and from there we were referred to a Neurosurgeon, Dr Seow Wan Tew, at KKH who was a Specialist in dealing with paediatric spine surgery.
As an MRI would be more accurate than an ultrasound, we went for an MRI as well.
Ashton was diagnosed with what was called a "tethered cord", whereby there is a fatty issue tethering his spinal cord down to his spinal bone and preventing the spinal cord from moving freely within the spinal column. I have never ever heard of a "tethered cord" in my life before!
From a simple scan which the PD "didn't think was anything to worry about", we were then talking endless doctors appointments, MRIs, Urodynamics tests and SURGERY. All on a tiny few weeks old baby. A lot of information was thrown to us, but I could hardly digest anything.
I spent most of my maternity leave shuttling between hospitals and getting appointments in order. He had to see his Neurosurgeon for the tethered cord and also his normal PD for the usual jaundice-checks, vaccinations etc.
On top of that, I also had my Adam, who needed as much of my attention as my little Ashton.
During my multiple antenatal scans, nothing was detected. We even confirmed this with my Gynae when I went back for my postnatal PAP smear.
But as Andy & I discussed this over and over, even if anything was detected, nothing would change our decision to keep our infant and bring him into this would. Personally, I think dealing with and trying to overcome "problems" was much,
much easier than terminating a life!!! From 1 single cell of either parent, a whole human being was created. If life isn't a miracle, I don't know what is.
I can't even bring myself to put my dogs to sleep, let alone kill my own flesh and blood!
From there, we had no choice but to take everything in our stride. Sure, I was petrified as hell.
I mean, com'on, we're not talking about surgery for circumcision or even hernia-repair here!!!
When I initially learnt of the diagnosis, there were times I hid in my room crying till my vision was blur, but it wouldn't solve anything and so I turned to God.
Through God I found a lot of strength.
When I told our closest friends, they were shocked, and asked me why I had kept things from them until now.
Truth be told, I have been contemplating for a very long time (almost 6 months at the point of Ashton's surgery), whether or not to post this on my Blog, not because I am scared of people knowing, but I wanted to protect Ashton's and our privacy especially during his growing up years.
I asked Andy to read this draft before posting, and he said I could post it if I wanted to, so I guess there is not much harm in letting my readers and relatives know (our closest friends, relatives and close colleagues have been asking for updates).
Now, we are taking everyday as a blessing (truly!) and taking things a baby-step at a time.
Ashton's surgery was performed on 25 Feb 2013, when he was 6 months old, by his Paediatric Neurosurgeon Dr Seow Wan Tew.
My 30th Birthday was on 27 Feb, and I had spent my Milestone Birthday in the High Dependency Ward of the hospital with my own flesh and blood who had undergone major surgery to his spine.
In my life I've only ever gone under the knife to take my babies out, and now I'm letting somebody touch my baby's spine. How crazy is my life?
When you think my birthday wishlists, probably Chanel or Hermes would come to mind in a heartbeat. But this year, all I wanted was for my baby to be Ok, and alive.
Nothing is more important than being healthy and alive.
Too many people get so hung up about what they cannot have and don't realise for a second what they already have.
You woke up this morning alive and well, thank God for it.
So far, we have been to 2 more appointments after his surgery - to remove his stitches and also to follow-up with Dr Seow, and he thinks everything is looking good.
Thanks to all our friends and family who have sent your thoughts, wishes and prayers.
Thank you to the wonderful people in my church who prayed in proxy for Ashton even though they did not know us.
I've said this before, and Imma say it again - Mummying is the toughest job in the whole wide world.
